I don’t have a choice, but I’d still choose you.
This might be the hardest post I’ve ever wanted to write. It has almost become a need that has built up inside me that must be released. Maybe I’ll finally find some peace within myself. I know that you’re going to read it. I know the exact words that will probably flow out of your mouth. You won’t even think twice about what you say. You can read it aloud to your friends in funny accents, you can call your mom and have her put the phone on speaker and let your whole family laugh at my expense, and you can call me dramatic. But I hope deep down this post makes you feel something. Anything at all. Most importantly, I hope you know that no matter what, I will always be your friend.
We switched seats during the first week of Chemistry freshman year to sit next to each other because at that point, I hadn’t really made friends with anyone in the class except for you, and vice versa. In the beginning, it was the 5 of us. We watched movies, took a ton of pictures, traveled to our houses, had sleepovers, and went a ton of places. The night I sat in Adam’s car breaking it off with Aaron, you made me laugh when I didn’t know anything but a tear was possible. We spent DAYS studying for chemistry together, we shared the same professional tutor, and we never gave up even when the odds were against us. I knew we had alot in common then, but I didn’t know the extent. Sophomore year I lost alot of friends, but you were the one person who was constant and continually there. More nights out of the week I spent in your suite than my own. We started spending more time together, not even intentionally, but because we were comfortable. You met all my friends from home and immediately fell into step with them, and it was then that you became my very best friend. I knew that I could always count on you to stand up for me, and to be my source of laughter, of adventure, and of support. I’ll never forget the day my current suite asked me to move in with them, and you told me that it was meant to be and that I should do it. I knew then that you were looking out for my best interest. After moving in, you were unsure at first, but you soon molded right in with my new friends. Soon they became our friends. I realized that what me and you had was something I could always rely on. You could have given up at any point in that year and a half, but you didn’t. In fact, you made me realize that I needed to respect myself, that I was better than what I was doing. It was then that I promised myself I would rediscover who I was when I came to college and embrace that person. Not only for me, but for you. Sooner than later, it was junior year and I thought that things would only grow between us. Our nights were filled with scrubs and your new suitemates. On the weekends, when there wasn’t really anyone else around, we had each other. We went to Rome together. And then we came back.
Through everything these past three years, you were my foundation. I couldn’t help falling for you, and if possible I would have prevented that at all costs. You fit all my qualifications and you exceeded all my expectations. Most importantly, you made me feel more alive than anyone has ever been able to do. Like there was so much to experience in the world and so much happiness to find. You were perfect to me, in your imperfect way. And that’s why it is so hard to give you up. No one understood why I stuck around, but that’s because no one saw how much fun we had together. We’d start singing along to the same song at the same time and drum out the beat in the car at the same parts. Even the simplist things made me happy. We pushed each other to make it through this program, and we both ended up fufilling our dream.
You told me that you’d never abandon me. You said you cared, and you made me believe that you would always be there. But now you’re gone, and I’ve tried so very hard to bring you back. I have no idea why you even disappeared which makes it harder to rationalize. I’m bitter because I’m holding myself back. You were and you are my best friend, first and foremost. I’d throw any extraneous feelings to the wind if I knew that we could be friends again. I’d do anything. They say it’s supposed to get easier everyday, and it has. But only in terms of baby steps. I don’t know how you listen to Coldplay and half your Itunes library without thinking of me. I don’t know how you watch Scrubs without some part of me popping into your mind. I don’t know how we go from being best friends to strangers. All I do know is that I wouldn’t be who I am today without you, and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am if you had never been my friend. I don’t know what I did, or what happened, but I’m sorry. I can only hope to make you as happy as you have made me. Someday, I hope we can reconcile. That’s all that matters to me.
I don’t even want to be with you anymore. I just want your frienship that I can’t find anywhere else. I want this gaping hole inside of me to close and I want to find peace. Peace.
